TOUGH GUY - THE COURSE!

To the uninitiated, Tough Guy is no ordinary race.  In fact it is like no race you have ever done.  Marathon runners, sprinters, ultra-runners, elite triathletes, plodders, you ain’t done diddly squat until you’ve done Tough Guy.

There is nothing that can prepare you for this, but to ensure that:

a) you are physically fit to do an eight-mile jaunt in the countryside. (Well Gadge Prepared us for that bit!)

b) you are completely and utterly barking mad. (Sounds about right!)

Now in its 16th year, Tough Guy is a charity event that raises money for the Mr Mouse Farm for Unfortunates.  Charitable work is undertaken, looking after hundreds of retired horses and wildlife habitats. Disadvantaged children and those who are slow of mind and action attend as volunteers to assist in the care of the animals.  

And Tough Guy is recognised everywhere as one of the gnarliest and daftest adventure challenges around, getting international press and TV coverage.

We hear you saying – what’s so tough about an eight-mile cross country run?

The answer - Everything, and more.

The event starts with a cross-country run that has a few little "differences" to others. First off, there are 'The Banks'... where there are trees, shrubs, brambles and hills in the way – and 3000 fools trying to get through. Then you find yourself out into the country for a fairly standard run across fields and tracks until you hit the Slalom – up and down a wooded hillside eight times – which is so steep that most of the ups and most of the downs can only be done walking – even for the elite front runners. Then it's through more woods, grab some water, and head back to the start.

Hey, that wasn’t so bad we hear you say. True – that wasn’t so bad. But just you wait.

You go across a track to be greeted by crowds of spectators and suddenly reality kicks in. The last six miles or so has just been a warm up to the main event, the Killing Fields.

For anyone that hasn’t been through Commando, or similar training, nothing you will ever do in your life can prepare you for this. It's madness. You’ve read about it, seen the photos, but nothing really prepares you for an obstacle course that has come from the darkest recesses of someone’s warped mind. Otherwise known as Mr Mouse.

First off comes the Tiger – two 30ft tall wooden arches you must climb up and over using either the cargo nets or widely spaced beams – neither route is easy and the danger of falling off is high, landing in the safety net. The route continues as follows:  

Colditz Walls - a sequence of three wooden walls to clamber over, each getting progressively higher.

The Behemoth – Four big walls separated by 20ft single rope bridges which get slacker with more competitors!

Fiery Holes – Burning bales of hay to jump over and then into water pits which get deeper with each one and are COLD! And wet.

The Tyre Crawl – Cylinders made of old tyres to crawl through – and straight into a muddy pond on the far side.

The Swamp – By now you’ve had enough mud for a day, but this is the start of the deep, sticky, gloopy stuff.

Vietcong Tunnels – A series of concrete tunnels to crawl through that also go uphill – murder on the knees. And they are dark. And wet.

The Paradise Climb – a set of high cargo nets, finished off with a choice – fall off the cargo nets and into a pond, or slide down the rope. Either way you’re going to get wet!

And what’s this? A drinking water station? Sod that – we need brandy by now, but there's fat chance of getting any.

 Through the Splosh Pool – the word 'gloop' was invented for this deep, sticky, stinking pond.

And down to the piece de resistance – The Water Tunnel.  By now, you are as wet and muddy as you think you can be, but you have yet to experience full immersion in winter cold water. This is the one that truly takes the breath away and gives lads high-pitched voices. It starts by jumping into a chest deep river.

Duck under two wooden beams on top of the water which is just a 'warmer-upper' for the main part. This consists of four 18in timber beams laid across the water with a small gap between each beam. By now you are so cold, but there’s no escape, as you have to duck under the water, below the beams, surface, grab air, repeat twice more and then carry on wading for 20 metres or so until you're out of the river.

Then comes the Big Wall – the Korea Hell Hill.  A 12ft high wall made of hay bales with ropes to clamber up – except these ropes are wet, muddy and slippery, so it’s difficult to hang on to them. There’s much heaving and shoving at the bottom with people helping each other get to the top. Fat

More muddy ponds and onto the Jesus Bridge – a series of barrels tied together with wooden slats. There are very rickety, very slippery, and if you fall off, guess what? Yep, you’re back in deep water! 

Yet more mud and muck, and onto Dan’s Deceiver – another cargo net climb but with a twist – its got a sod of a drop on the other side.

Then it's on to the Dragon Pool where you're faced with three choices – a deep water 30-metre wade; slide down a rope; or try a rope walk across.  It doesn’t really make a lot of difference as by this time the ropes are so slack that you will fall into the water anyway.  Hell, do you care about getting wet by now?

Then the Bailey Bridge (a shorter version of the Jesus Bridge) and into Stalag Escape. This is great fun if you enjoy crawling in mud under barbed wire – raise your head or rear and you will get shredded! And the mud has gravel below which is just fine for taking the skin off the knees. And the crowds are hovering over you imploring you on. Lovely.

The Tyre Torture is next. It's about 400m of track with tyres embedded into it so you have to pick your way through it. And guess what? It’s muddy as well. Then comes the Anaconda – a series of five five-foot concrete tunnels laid across the track, so you have to find some way get over them. Too high to vault, too muddy to climb, so the best way is to leap onto your belly on top, spin the legs around and drop-off.  

You're then faced with yet more running and the end is now in sight. But there’s a sting in the tail - two hills which for the later runners are very, very muddy and slippery - one has ropes to help you get to the top. Over the second hill and then a final run in across the line.

The winning time was 1hr 10mins. Yep, that's right, 70 minutes. Phew, superb. Fast times are achieved by strong athletes who start at the front, run on their own, don’t end up in bottle-necks at obstacles, or stay in teams.

Roll on 2005 !!